What’s On Your Mind?

Laundry, Eeyore and Glossy Americans

Photo by Teo Zac on Unsplash

When someone asks ‘what’s on your mind?’, is it a question you’re willing to answer honestly?

On any given day, I have a solid cast of thoughts. The supporting roles go to ‘how many nights in a row is it ok to eat pasta’, ‘oh god the news’, ‘will my house get damp and mouldy if I dry laundry on the radiators’ and ‘could I get away with arson’ (kidding).

Then there are the lead roles, divas who battle it out for center stage. There’s the bright, shiny Barbie type who insists that the world contains infinite goodness, that opportunity abounds and humanity will prevail. Then there’s the dour, fearful, Eeyore type who declares that the world is a dark, sad and pointless place to be in. The supporting cast are very easily convinced by him and panic/mope accordingly.

The former is more appealing and fun to listen to. The former helps me blaze through the day with confidence and optimistism. But the latter is somehow more compelling and familiar, making spending the day in bed look like the hottest ticket in town.

Now, I’m fully aware that at any time – but particularly against the backdrop of the world as it is – low-stakes personal angst deserves a response of apathy at best, dismissal and scorn at worst. But if we’re here to talk about confessions, then I might as well just tell you what’s up. Feel free to judge me any way you want.

Yesterday, a Zoom meeting I’d been looking forward to for weeks got cancelled (ten minutes after it was due to start, party emoji). Despite instructing myself not to pin too many hopes on it, I’d secretly done just that. It’s been rescheduled, but Eeyore immediately claimed it would probably never happen, citing the cancellation as evidence for the fact that I am a worm for whom the world has turned its cheek. Then, my ever-supportive husband came home from the school-run with flowers to cheer me up. Things felt okay again.

Then I checked BBC News on my phone. Horror at every turn. What can I do? (Donate money, sign petitions, check in with friends who are affected.) It’s too big, it’s too bad, everything was terrible once more. Then my two-year-old took me by the hand and insisted I come with her to ‘the future (foots-er)’, apparently located on the floor by the side of my bed, where she made me a ‘cuppa tea and cheese sandwich’. Things were good.

As you can probably tell, emotional equilibrium has never been my strong suit. When I was younger, I used to get off my head on drink to escape from it all. Unfortunately, this tactic lacked longevity and I cashed in all those chips pretty quickly. Since then, I’ve had to find healthier ways to decompress.

Keeping busy can be a good thing, helping you put one foot in front of the other and not getting caught in the sticky web of your own creation. It’s also important not to stuff things down. Talking to friends, talking to professionals, journalling – these help to bleed the inner radiator. I find regular exercise is also key, with a current goal of 3 x 20min YouTube workouts a week. Give me the glossy Americans, immaculately clad in aspirational athleisure-wear, ice-white smiles as they make light work of burpees and squat-jumps. More energy, more energy, more passion, more passion. ‘You got this!’ they beam. No the f*** I don’t! I think, shoulders shaking and core giving way as I fail to complete a single full push-up. It doesn’t matter, do it on your knees, just keep going. Progress, not perfection.

There’s also the phenomenally powerful tool of meditation. A physically undemanding, effective and free way to help breathe, reconnect and process. When I stopped drinking, I meditated every morning for twenty minutes and would bleat on about how life-changing it is, how easy the apps make it, how there really are no excuses not to. But in the last few years, I’ve found plenty of excuses. I’m not proud to say I spend a lot of time running on full caffeinated, strung-out nervous system overload. It turns out that switching between excited Barbie and despairing Eeyore is exhausting and I burn out easily and often.

There is someone else, though. A third character who’s fallen by the wayside. She’s calm and steady, less chat and more presence. Because she doesn’t make a song and dance out of everything, she doesn’t command attention like the other two do, subsequently gaining less airtime. But she’s the one who’s guided me through all the best decisions I’ve ever made.

What’s on my mind? I want to reconnect to that third character. With her, I can be helpful to myself and useful to others. I’m going to take two minutes now to complete a body-scan meditation.

That’s do-able, isn’t it? Want to try it too?