Felt Cute, Might Delete Later

1.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Middle England, I sit quiet and dull. Nothing extreme, nothing exciting or untoward. Just quiet and dull.

In order to keep the house hygienic, barely a moment passes where I’m not laundering, hoovering, scrubbing, sweeping, wiping or tidying. Cleaning has become less a task, more a state of mind and being. A lifestyle.

When I get a result though white vinegar and baking soda, I feel like a real winner. Like I’m doing life properly. Akin to a weekend spent with friends, blue-sky days spent outside.

*

Recently, I decided to up-skill with a remote course in Digital Marketing. The first instruction was to respect confidentiality – ‘What happens on Zoom stays on the Zoom.’ As if we were racking up lines at 3am in a Caesars palace suite, rather than sat at our laptops on a grey Monday morning learning about Google Analytics and SEO.

The word ‘success’ was mentioned frequently, and the tutor really emphasised the ‘suck’.  SUCK-sessful, SUCK-seeded (I’d say sehk-sess). There were a few seniors who all inexplicably echoed when they spoke. There was oversharing from people who struck me as lonely and really wanted to be seen and heard. (One finger pointing at them, two fingers pointing back at myself). I chastised myself for being a judgy bastard and tried to appreciate the information I was being handed, free of charge.

2.

I used to work with an Acting Coach who’d get me to consider three questions when approaching a scene:

1. Who am I?

2. What do I want?

3. How am I going to get it?

I’ve been trying to apply these to my own life, but stumbling on Number 3.  I can see the benefit of having a career in place before having children. Unless you have one that fits around basic childcare hours, you either need loads of finance or loads of family/friend help. What if you don’t? (I’m also not blind to the fact that some people have security in place, then unforeseen circumstances pull the rug. There’s no perfect/foolproof way of doing things, not really).

Spending my formative years as an actor was in some ways to the detriment of personal growth. I came to rely on productions making all the decisions for me: okay, you’ve been cast in a film, you’re off to Spain/the USA/Nepal/Chester for X amount of months. Your hair will be dyed whatever colour, these are the clothes you’ll wear, these are the days you’ll be working, here is an apartment and a paycheque. Cool.

When the bubble burst, I emerged, wiping soap residue from my eyes and struggling to make big decisions. Because now, they no longer just affect me. They affect my two young children and husband. It’s one thing to drift, coast and go with the flow. But what if you find yourself lost at sea?

3.

One positive is that I don’t feel compulsive. I have figured out how not to use vices (food/drink) to manage my feelings. I have learned how to feel the feelings, let them pass and continue functioning. I can self-soothe through a bit of yoga, herbal tea, Queer Eye to unwind rather than doomscrolling.

I wish I could tell you I’ve figured it all out. It’s tempting to, but it’s not the truth. I’m still stuck on A, trying to get to B, but grappling with decoding the map.

One day I hope to be a better guide, a true suck-sess. When it happens, I’ll let you know how I did it.

Until then, stay safe and well. That’s an order.

Love, Rachel.